According to this article, these are the things men find unattractive about us women, written by a woman. You don’t need to read it because I break it all down, baby.

On Makeup:

Keep it natural. Men don’t want to go in for a kiss and come out looking like they just joined the circus. Remember, foundation is supposed to be invisible to others and blend in with your skin. Stay away from glittery or shimmering eye makeup and NEVER use clumpy mascara. Minimal makeup is sexier.

What Carolyn Says:

Yes, foundation is supposed to blend and clumpy mascara is no ones friend, but if I want to wear glitter and shimmery eye makeup, I’m gonna wear the fuck out of it. If I want to wear bright red lipstick and you have this fear of looking like a clown after kissing me? Honey, that’s your problem, not mine.

On Hair:

While a fancy hairstyle may be ok for a glamorous night out, men prefer natural-looking hair. It’s more attractive to look at and feels nicer to touch when it’s free of gels or sticky products.

What Carolyn Says:

Well, I have naturally curly hair so don’t fucking touch it. And when I have my Men Preferred Natural Looking Hair, I am 90 percent of the time, not a fan. It’s half curly, half frizzy, and pretty heinous to look at so I’m gonna go ahead and do my hair. I don’t like my hair all natural, I don’t give a shit if you do.

On Shaving:

For the love of all that’s smooth — please shave. Men associate hair with testosterone and testicles so they don’t want to see it on a woman. Men like touching soft skin so say bye bye to the fuzz and make sure you use moisturizers and lotions to keep your skin smooth. It will send the message that you care about your hygiene.

What Carolyn Says:

I can’t stop laughing at this. I can’t. I shave dem pits pretty much every three days. I don’t like armpit hair. I’m a pretty sweaty person so having armpit hair makes me sweat more. But if you want to wave your armpit hair like you just don’t care, you do you. Other than that, I am 1000 percent too lazy to keep up with shaving. Shaving is annoying. Men don’t have to shave, why the fuck do I? Right, because society!

In the winter, I shave my legs maybe once every three months. Lady, I live in basically the tundra so I gotta keep warm. If you think I’m wearing anything but pants in the winter, you have another thing coming. In the summer, I shave my legs when I can start feeling the wind all up that bidniz. But because I’ve been #blessed with blonde hair, I don’t shave that often. When it comes to my body, I will go ahead and do what I please. AS EVERYONE SHOULD.

And just because I don’t wax every fucking part of my body everyday to resemble a toddler doesn’t mean I don’t care about my hygiene. Fuck you.

Let’s face it ladies — men look at our mouths. Bad breath and discoloured teeth are unattractive to the opposite sex. Cut down on the coffee or red wine. Use whitening toothpaste or strips to brighten your smile and ALWAYS carry gum or breath helpers in your purse. You never know when that kiss may be coming.

What Carolyn Says:

I don’t drink coffee or red wine but if I did, I probably wouldn’t give it up just to find myself a suitable mate. I basically never have gum or breath helpers (…tic tacs?) in my purse. So if my guy kisses me and notices that my mouth wasn’t just dentist approved, will he be forever repulsed by me? Well if that’s the case, he is clearly way too high maintenance for me and can go suck a dick. DON’T FORGET THE BREATH MINTS.

Sure, a man likes to hang with a woman who knows how to have a good time but know when enough is enough. No man wants to see a woman puking in the bar bathroom or falling down on the dance floor.

What Carolyn Says:

If you peruse my Facebook page, you will find that this isn’t true. I’ve puked in every bar in Edmonton. I’ve fallen down on every dance floor in Edmonton. I still have a husband, PRAISE JESUS M I RITE?!

On Negativity:

Men like happy, positive women. So don’t complain about the lack of service at a restaurant or how long you had to wait in a line. Show your upbeat personality.

What Carolyn Says:

Um. No. But thanks. Imma ‘splain to you when I’m not happy about something. I am not a robot. I am a human person who complains about shit. And you’re going to hear about it. And guess what! I want to know what grinds your gears! Because humans! But I’m a woman so I guess I’ll just keep my goddamn mouth shout. I AM CURRENTLY SO UPBEAT, HAPPY, AND POSITIVE ABOUT STANDING OUTSIDE IN -40 DEGREE WEATHER BECAUSE WE ARE WAITING IN LINE TO GET INTO THIS PIECE OF SHIT CLUB. IS IT OKAY THAT MY HAIR IS DONE UP BY USING PRODUCT? PLEASE APPROVE THIS. I AM A WOMAN SO I PROBABLY NEED VALIDATION.

On Swearing:

Men like ladies with a little class so dropping the f-bomb in every sentence is a turn-off and does not show how sophisticated you really are.

What Carolyn Says:

Fuck you, you fucking fuck.

On Nagging:

No one wants to be told over and over again that they are doing something wrong. Choose your battles ladies. If they leave the toilet seat up, quietly put it down. If they don’t shave for a couple of days, deal with it. Let him hog the remote control once in awhile. Remember, there are probably things they don’t like about you too.

What Carolyn Says:

THEN TELL ME? This is how relationships work. By speaking to each other. But letting it all fester and fester will INEVITABLY lead to you blowing the fuck up over something so minuscule. Sure, you don’t have to nag, but if you AREN’T GETTING THE FUCKING PICTURE HOW IS THAT MY FUCKING PROBLEM.

On Being Needy:

Don’t ever drop your girlfriends and family for a man. Being too dependent on your man to make you happy is a turnoff. Expecting him to change to meet your needs is also very unattractive. They want to be loved for who they are.

What Carolyn Says:

Preach. Finally, something we agree on. OH WAIT, except that you contradicted EVERYTHING you just mentioned above. “Expecting him to change to meet your needs is also very unattractive.” But it’s okay that we have to change ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING about our personalities and daily grooming routines for him? Don’t wear too much makeup, don’t do your hair all fancy all the time, shave everything, cut out certain things to make your teeth nice, don’t wear too much perfume, don’t drink excessively, be a robot, don’t fucking swear, no nagging up in this bitch, don’t be needy. But ABOVE ALL ELSE, don’t forget to ~*~be yourself~*~.

If you want me to love my man just the way he is, then he can sure as fuck love me the way I am.